Emotional Freedom: Breaking the Bonds of Codependency

When we hear the word codependent, we often think that this means we cannot live without someone else or that we spend all of our time with another person. While these definitions can be true, codependency goes far beyond that, and the key to deconstructing our own codependent patterns lies in understanding where these patterns come from. The clinical definition of codependency is something along the lines of “chronic self-neglect in order to gain love, approval, and validation from another person.” Let’s break that down.

Understanding Enmeshment

To begin, it is key that we define a word that encapsulates the origin of codependency: enmeshment. You can picture enmeshment within the scenario of a close-knit family of four, with two parents and two children. One of the parents has been diagnosed with Bipolar I and frequently acts out in mania, which includes frivolous shopping sprees, late nights blasting music until the waking hours of dawn, and emotional outbursts that end in frequent visits from law enforcement. The rest of the family tiptoes around the feelings and needs of this family member, as anything done to disturb her could result in a ripple effect of more harm and trouble than someone speaking their mind or attempting to set a boundary.

So, to define enmeshment, it is basically when people are so intertwined that the actions of one cause emotional reactivity from the others, or vice versa. The antidote to this can be found through establishing healthy boundaries. But what do boundaries have to do with enmeshment? And what is a boundary? A boundary can be defined as an invisible line that tells you where you can and cannot go; it keeps things healthy, safe, and fair. When we establish boundaries, we begin to break patterns of enmeshment and redefine the rules in our relationships. This allows us to start feeling safer and more confident when making our own decisions. It also enables us to separate the emotional reaction of someone else from our own emotions. Prentis Hemphill defines it in a way that sums this up: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

Identifying Codependent Actions

How do I know if my actions are codependent? The simplest way to determine if an action is based in codependency, aka chronic self-betrayal, is to ask the question: “Am I doing this from a place of need: a need for love, approval, or validation?” If the answer is yes to any one of these three things, then there is a strong possibility that your action constitutes people pleasing. People pleasing may seem innocent and as though it stems from a place of love, but in reality, it prevents us from honoring ourselves and our own needs. Furthermore, it is a manner of controlling another person’s actions to protect ourselves, which eventually creates a cycle that is equally unhealthy and confining.

Accompanying people pleasing is a phrase you may have heard before: “walking on eggshells,” another indicator of codependency. I often ask my clients the question, “How much do you have to weigh to walk on eggshells and not break them?” The answer is nothing, which means that your values, wants, and desires are invisible.

While breaking free from codependency is difficult, it is not impossible. To gain emotional freedom from codependent behavior, we must learn to love ourselves and value ourselves along with our needs. It is as simple as that, although easier said than done. Once we begin to cultivate greater self-confidence in our decision-making and accept that not everyone will always like us or our decisions, we can truly start to live in a way that honors our authentic self. All of this can occur through therapy and self-work, where we can work to really discover who our authentic self is. Chances are, if you are reading this, you are just one step closer to meeting that wonderful version of yourself whose needs deserve to be honored.

Understanding the journey towards emotional freedom from codependency requires delving deeper into the intricate layers of our psyche, relationships, and self-awareness. It’s a process that demands courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths that lie within.

One crucial aspect often overlooked in the quest for emotional liberation is the role of boundaries, not just in our relationships with others but within ourselves. While setting boundaries externally is vital to describe our space and protect our emotional well-being, establishing internal boundaries is equally pivotal. Internal boundaries involve recognizing and respecting our own limits, desires, and values. It’s about acknowledging our worthiness to prioritize self-care and self-respect without guilt or fear of judgment.

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